function [] = homer(n)
%Silly program to echo Homer simpson quotes similar to the 'why' command
%Homer simpson quotes taken from:
%http://www.wattpad.com/3859
%http://www.thesimpsonsquotes.com/characters/homer-simpson-quotes.html
%Richard Heitz, Vanderbilt
%richard.p.heitz@vanderbilt.edu
q = '''';
if nargin < 1
x = ceil(randinterval(1,[0 66]));
else
x = n;
end
switch x
case 1
disp('Weaseling out of things is important to learn. Its what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.')
case 2
disp('Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.')
case 3
disp(['[drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there' q 's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn' q 't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.'])
case 4
disp('How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?')
case 5
disp(['Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don' q 't show up tomorrow don' q 't bother showing up on Monday.'])
disp('Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend!')
case 6
disp('Homer no function beer well without.')
case 7
disp(['Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I' q 've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!'])
case 8
disp(['Here' q 's to alcohol, the cause of?and solution to?all life' q 's problems.'])
case 9
disp('This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit. ')
case 10
disp(['I' q 'm normally not a praying man, but if you' q 're up there, please save me Superman.'])
case 11
disp(['What' q 's a wedding? Webster' q 's dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one' q 's garden.'])
case 12
disp('Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.')
case 13
disp(['Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn' q 't brutally slaughtered?'])
disp('Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.')
case 14
disp('Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?')
disp('Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.')
case 15
disp(['The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it' q 's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!'])
case 16
disp(['If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it' q 's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.'])
case 17
disp(['When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power ... like God must feel when he' q 's holding a gun.'])
case 18
disp(['Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that' q 's even remotely true!'])
case 19
disp(['You don' q 't like your job, you don' q 't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That' q 's the American way.'])
case 20
disp(['Son, when you participate in sporting events, it' q 's not whether you win or lose: it' q 's how drunk you get.'])
case 21
disp(['I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T...'])
case 22
disp(['Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you' q 're prejudiced against all races.'])
case 23
disp('Oh, so they have internet on computers now!')
case 24
disp(['Good things don' q 't end with ' q 'eum,' q ' they end with ' q 'mania' q ' or ' q 'teria' q '.' ])
case 25
disp(['Old people don' q 't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.'])
case 26
disp(['Bart, with $10,000, we' q 'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!'])
case 27
disp('Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.')
case 28
disp(['Marge, I' q 'm going to miss you so much. And it' q 's not just the sex. It' q 's also the food preparation.'])
case 29
disp(['Marge, I' q 'm going to Moe' q 's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I' q 'm coming back loaded!'])
case 30
disp(['It' q 's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.'])
case 31
disp(['I' q 'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?'])
case 32
disp(['"You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don' q 't work out in real life, uh, Christianity"'])
case 33
disp(['I' q 've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren' q 't just confined to zoos.'])
case 34
disp(['Bad bees. Get away from my sugar. Ow. OW. Oh, they' q 're defending themselves somehow!'])
case 35
disp(['Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay. Um Can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about uuhhh, things. Uhh... the things.'])
case 36
disp('I want the answers now or eventually!')
case 37
disp('I feel that if a gun is good enough to protect something as important as a bar, then its good enough to protect my family.')
case 38
disp('The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!')
case 39
disp(['If he' q 's so smart, how come he' q 's dead?'])
case 40
disp('The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication.')
case 41
disp(['When I look at the smiles on all the children' q 's faces, I just know they' q 're about to jab me with something.'])
case 42
disp(['Donuts. Is there anything they can' q 't do?'])
case 43
disp(['It' q 's not just a store - it' q 's a Megastore! ' q 'Mega' q ' means ' q 'good,' q ' ' q 'store' q ' means ' q 'thing.' q])
case 44
disp(['I' q 've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it' q 's me.'])
case 45
disp(['I' q 'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won' q 't be back for ten minutes!'])
case 46
disp(['Kids, kids. I' q 'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.'])
case 47
disp('Oh sure. In theory, communism works. In theory...')
case 48
disp('Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.')
case 49
disp('You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving.')
case 50
disp('God bless those pagans.')
case 51
disp(['Well, it' q 's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.'])
case 52
disp(['Maybe, just once, someone will call me ' q 'Sir' q ' without adding, ' q 'You' q 're making a scene.' q])
case 53
disp('You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.')
case 54
disp('Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.')
case 55
disp('Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.')
case 56
disp('Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.')
case 57
disp('Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?')
case 58
disp(['If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can' q 't speak English.'])
case 59
disp(['I' q 'm never going to be disabled. I' q 'm sick of being so healthy.'])
case 60
disp(['Dad, you' q 've done a lot of great things, but you' q 're a very old man, and old people are useless.'])
case 61
disp('But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.')
case 62
disp(['I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I' q 'm around.'])
case 63
disp(['That' q 's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I' q 'm going to clown college!'])
case 64
disp(['If something' q 's hard to do, then it' q 's not worth doing'])
case 65
disp(['I' q 'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn' q 't listen to myself, I' q 'm drunk!'])
case 66
disp(['To Start Press Any Key. Where' q 's the ANY key?'])
end
function [R, ind] = randinterval(N, Interval, Weight)
% RANDINTERVAL - random numbers within multiple intervals
%
% R = RANDINTERVAL(N, INTERVALS) returns a N-by-N matrix R of random numbers
% taken from a uniform distribution over multiple intervals.
%
% Similar to RAND, RANDINTERVAL([N M],..) returns a N-by-M matrix, and
% RANDINTERVAL([N M P ...],..) returns a N-by-M-by-P-by-.. array. Note
% that a notation similar to rand(N,M,P,..) is not available.
%
% INTERVALS is a N-by-2 matrix in which the rows specify the intervals from
% which the numbers are drawn. Each interval is given by a lower bound
% (in the first column of INTERVALS) and an upper bound (2nd column of
% INTERVALS). If the lower bound equals the upper bound, no numbers will
% be drawn from that interval. The upper bound cannot be smaller than the
% lower bound.
% If INTERVALS is a vector (K-by-1 or 1-by-K), the intervals are
% formed as (INTERVALS(1),INTERVALS(2)), (INTERVALS(2),INTERVALS(3)),
% ... , (INTERVALS(K-1),INTERVALS(K)). In this case, the number of
% intervals N is one less than the number of elements K, i.e., N=K-1.
% The relative length of an interval determines the likelihood that a
% number is drawn from that interval. For instance, when INTERVALS is [1
% 2 ; 10 12], the probablity that a number is drawn from the first
% interval (1,2) is 1 out of 3, vs 2 out of 3 for the second interval (10,12).
%
% R = RANDINTERVAL(N, INTERVALS, WEIGHTS) allow for weighting each
% interval specifically. WEIGHTS is vector with N numbers. These numbers
% specify, in combination with the length of the corresponding interval,
% the relative likelihood for each interval (i.e., the weight). Larger
% values of W(k) increases the likelihood that a number is drawn from the
% k-th interval.
% For instance, when INTERVALS is [11 12 ; 20 21] and WEIGHTS is [3 1], the
% probability that a numbers is drawn from the first interval is 3 out of
% 4, vs 1 out of 4 for the second interval. Note that both intervals have
% the same length. When the intervals do not have the same lengths, the
% likelihood that a number is drawn from an interval k, with length L(k)
% and weight W(k) is given by the formula:
% p(k) = (W(k) x L(k)) / sum(W(i) ./ L(i)),i=1:N
%
% [R, IND] = RANDINTERVAL(..) also returns a index array IND, which has the
% same size as R. IND contains numbers between 1 and the number of
% intervals. Intervals with zero length and/or a weight of zero will not
% be present in IND.
%
% Notes:
% - overlapping intervals are allowed, but may produce hard-to-debug
% results. In this case a warning is issued. On the other, such
% overlapping intervals could be (ab-)used to draw from specific
% distributions.
% - for a single interval (A B) this function is equivalent to
% A + (B-A) * rand(N)
%
% Examples:
% % Basic use, no weights
% R = randinterval([1,10000], [1 3 ; 5 7 ; 10 15 ; 20 26]) ;
% % returns a row vector with 10000 numbers between 1 and 3, between
% % 5 and 7, between 10 and 15, or between 20 and 26. Approximately
% % 2/5 of the numbers is between 20 and 26:
% N = histc(R,[-Inf 1 3 5 7 10 15 20 26 Inf]), N = N ./ sum(N), bar(N)
%
% % Weights
% [R,n] = randinterval([10,100], [1 2 ; 100 200 ; -2 -1 ; 12 12], [1 0 2 3]) ;
% % returns a 10-by-100 matrix with values in the intervals (-2,-1)
% % or (1,2). Roughly 666 numbers are negative:
% sum(R(:)<0), sum(n(:)==3)
% % The interval (100,200) has a weight of zero, and the interval
% % (12,12) has zero length; these are "ignored".
% histc(n(:),1:4)
%
% % Adjacent intervals with weights:
% [R,n] = randinterval([10000,1], [-2:2],[1 4 2 8]) ;
% bar(-2:2,histc(R,-2:2)/100,'histc') ; ylabel('Percentage')
%
% See also RAND, RANDN, RANDPERM
% RANDSAMPLE (Stats Toolbox)
% RANDP (File Exchange)
% for Matlab R13 and up
% version 1.0 (oct 2008)
% (c) Jos van der Geest
% email: jos@jasen.nl
% History
% Created: oct 2008
% Revisions: -
% Argument checks
error(nargchk(2,3,nargin)) ;
if ndims(Interval) ~= 2 || ~isnumeric(Interval) || numel(Interval)<2,
error([mfilename ':IntervalWrongSize'],...
'INTERVALS should be a N-by-2 (or N-by-1, with N>1) numeric matrix.')
end
if min(size(Interval)) == 1,
% Interval is a vector. Make the bounds column vectors
LowerBound = reshape(Interval(1:end-1),[],1) ;
UpperBound = reshape(Interval(2:end),[],1) ;
elseif size(Interval,2) ~= 2
error([mfilename ':IntervalWrongSize'],...
'INTERVALS should be a N-by-2 (or N-by-1) numeric matrix.')
else
% Get the lower and upper bounds of the intervals
LowerBound = Interval(:,1) ;
UpperBound = Interval(:,2) ;
end
if any(UpperBound < LowerBound),
error([mfilename ':NegativeInterval'],...
'Intervals cannot be smaller than 0') ;
end
if nargin==3 && (~isempty(Weight) || ~isnumeric(Weight)),
if numel(Weight) ~= numel(LowerBound),
error([mfilename ':WeightsWrongSize'],...
'The number of weights should match the number of intervals.') ;
end
if any(Weight < 0)
error([mfilename ':WeightsNegative'],...
'Weights cannot be negative.')
end
else
% default, all intervals are equally likely
Weight = 1 ;
end
tmp = [LowerBound UpperBound] ;
if any(isnan(tmp(:)) | isinf(tmp(:))) || any(isnan(Weight(:)) | isinf(Weight(:))),
error('Intervals or weights cannot contain NaNs or Infs.') ;
end
% It is nice to give a warning when intervals overlap. If they do, the
% lowerbound of an interval is smaller than the upperbound of a previous
% interval, when the intervals are in sorted order
tmp = sortrows(tmp) ;
if any(tmp(2:end,1) < tmp(1:end-1,2)),
warning([mfilename ':OverlappingIntervals'], ...
'Intervals overlap.') ;
end
% The trick is to put all the intervals next to each other. Intervals with
% larger weights should become larger, so they are more likely. The whole
% range spans numbers between 0 and IntervalEdges(end):
IntervalSize = (UpperBound - LowerBound) ;
IntervalEdges = [0 ; cumsum(Weight(:) .* IntervalSize(:))].' ;
if IntervalEdges(end) == 0,
% all intervals had a zero length and/or a zero weight, so there is
% nothing to do!
error([mfilename ':AllZero'],...
'All intervals have a length and/or weight of zero.') ;
end
try
% let RAND catch the errors in the size argument
R = rand(N) ; % random numbers between 0 and 1
catch
% rephrase the error
ERR = lasterror ;
ERR.message = strrep(ERR.message,'rand',[mfilename ' (in a call to RAND) ']) ;
rethrow(ERR) ;
end
if isempty(R),
% nothing to do, e.g. when N contains zero.
ind = [] ;
return
end
% To which interval do these random random numbers belong
[ind,ind] = histc(IntervalEdges(end) * R(:),IntervalEdges) ; %#ok, first output is not used
% now map a new series of random numbers between 0 and 1 to their
% respective interval. We have to create a new series, otherwise not the
% all values in an interval are possible.
R(:) = LowerBound(ind) + IntervalSize(ind) .* rand(numel(R),1) ;
% also return interval numbers in same shape as R
ind = reshape(ind,size(R)) ;
% %#debug plots
% E = linspace(min(Interval(:)), max(Interval(:)),100) ;
% N2 = histc(R(:),E) ;
% figure ;
% subplot(2,1,1) ; bar(E,N2,'histc')
% subplot(2,1,2) ; plot(sort(R(:)),'k.')
end
end
